Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Whoa, Nicholas Sparks, lay off the opium...

Pointed out to me by a friend, Conley, this interview in USA Today with Nicholas Sparks is perhaps the most deluded dreck I've come across in some time. I felt physically ill after finishing it.

Nicholas Sparks and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good-Very-Bad Interview

If you don't care to read it, allow me to pull a few golden turds out of it. Sparks compares himself to:

-Greek tragedies ("I didn't invent my genre, Aeschylus, Sophocles and Euripides did!")
-Romeo and Juliet and Jane Austen ("They gave the tragedies a rimjob and then I, the amazing NICHOLAS SPARKS, followed the lead!")
-Hemingway ("The Garden of Eden" fucking sucked, but A Farewell to Arms? *THAT'S WHAT I WRITE*"...note, he literally says 'That's what I write' at that point.)

He disavows the following:

-Melodrama ("Sure, I kill characters off in every novel, but not in a *manipulative* way that intentionally toys with my audience's emotion. You know, man, it's *real* emotion I'm evoking. Cuz I'm Hemingway. I'm Aeschylus. I'm Shakespeare.")
-Romance ("Uh, don't you know that genre is for icky girrrrlllls? Plus, it's formulaic, and my novels are NOT BY ANY MEANS DEFINITELY NOT NO WAY formulaic.")
-Cormac McCarthy ("Blood Meridian is a steaming pile of horse feces. I *allowed* him to win the Pulitzer.")
-...everyone else ("No one is doing what I do." --Another actual quote, b-t-dubs.)

And here he is...the man himself...the great...the incomparable...the clearly so-deluded-he-needs-to-be-institutionalized-before-he-hurts-himself-or-others...NICHOLAS SPAAAAARRRKKKKSSSSS! ! ! !



Damn, break me off a piece of that. On a semi-related note, ya'll should check out Conley's (the mastermind that linked me to the interview) hilarious blog. He and his friends battle chatroulette head on!

In which 95% of users are headless phalluses, and 5% are tweenage skanks and imbeciles

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